Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Things you don't expect people to say, unless you happen to know my family... then you're lucky

My sister was here for most of the month of July and then my birthday happened (yep I'm officially not telling my age!!) and now I'm finding time to update the blog.  :)

Of course as you've seen from previous posts when my sister and I are together crazy things happen.  When she comes down to Houston we do even more crazy things just to mess with our dad.  I will have more posts later on the things we did to dad to drive him crazy, but here are some of the things we said that most people probably never expect to hear but are actually kind of normal in our house.

"DAD!!! Loren won't stop humping me!!!"

"My sister keeps poking me in the boobs with drum sticks" disclaimer: they were the rock band drumsticks not chicken drumsticks although I would not put it past her to poke me in the boobs with chicken drumsticks as well.

"We're busy duct taping a blow up doll to the ceiling so I'll have to call you back."

"Duct taping a blow up doll to the ceiling is constructive work"

"Tell the dog to stop attacking the blow up doll, she'll put a hole in her!!!"

"Do you want me to hump your leg so you'll smile?"

"I'm going to lick your face!!!!"

These are just a few of the crazy things said over the few weeks she was here.  There were more things said I just don't always remember everything.  I really need to start writing these things down. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

I'm in awe of my child... or he's in awe of me... I can't decide which it should be

I probably should start keeping this updated more often.  Maybe I need to keep a notebook with me from now on and not just put notes in my phone because then I forget I have notes in my phone and i don't think about it until like months later and then I realize it's too late to do anything with some of those notes.  I'm also pretty sure that sentence is a long run on sentence.  ooops.

I was walking downstairs earlier today and I was looking at the kid on my way.

He said "why are you looking at me suspiciously?  It's making me suspiscious."

me:  I always look at you suspiciously.  Is there any other way to look at you?

the kid: in awe... you can look at me in awe like everyone else.

me: I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to be looking up to me in awe since I'm your mom.

I get downstairs and scream because a spider decided to run accross my foot.  So I make the kid come down and kill it (because we all know if I try to kill it then the house will likely be on fire).

the kid: Is this that moment when I'm supposed to look at you with awe?

I didn't really respond to him on that question, I just told him not to use my shoe to kill the spider because I didn't want spider guts on the bottom of them.   I then walked away.  How else do you respond to that smart ass?  :)

Friday, May 10, 2013

The things you learn from your kids... and then turn them into dirty conversations with friends

On one of the many road trips the kid and I have taken he just randomly throws out there "Fleas have two pee pees."  Intersting, I never knew this.  so of course because now that I DO know this information I had to share it with my friend. We only ran off with this conversation into a little bit of dirtyness, but honestly who wouldn't?

Me: Fleas have two pee pees.

Kim: Do they?

Me: Yep, that's a fact I have learned.

Kim: Why do you think they need two?

Me: Maybe so they can have threesomes?  (really if it's two pee pees would it work that way? hmmm)

Kim: Hmm... I don't see any other reason.  You could probably pee a lot faster too.  They don't have to spend as much time emptying their bladdes.

Me:  Maybe so they can empty their bladders and have sex at the same time?

Kim:  Eww! that would be so gross!

Me: SQL!!! I know!!!  I'm glad guys don't have two penis's!!!

Kim: Me too!! that would be really weird.  where would they put the second one?  Maybe their belly

Me:  That would be awkward.  OMG, could both get off?

Kim: They'd need an extra set of balls.

Me: unless both are somehow connected to the same balls

Kim:  They'd at least need some rewiring.  Maybe it would be like those two headed snakes or something

Me: Maybe.  Then they would have a mind of their own.  it could work out for us women.  If one finishes before we do there is always a back up one.

Kim: HAHAHA yeah tht sounds like it could work out.  If we could stop laughing at it long enough to do anything.

Me: Right?!?! or being grossed out by it rubbing on our stomachs during sex...

P.S. SQL stands for snickering quite loudly this shal catch on!
P.P.S I'm aware that I'm the one that turned it into something dirty...  I may have a problem...  or not.  :)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Slim Shady, supports gays, and fishes for nerds... the actions of teens

My son is definitely the class clown.  The stuff he says in class I just have no idea how to respond to it.  As long as I don't get a call from the school I guess we are good. 

This week Zach has come home and done/said the following:

Zach: Mom, I was standing up in class and my teacher asked why I was standing up, I responded with "I'm the real Slim Shady.   But really I just had to get a dictionary."   

Zach:  Mom, I was talking with Jordan about how I don't understand why people are making such a big deal about guys marrying guys. Jordan was like "you mean you support gay marriage?!" and I told him "well think about it, if guys are marrying guys, then that means there are a lot more babes for us!"  Then Jordan told me "Zach, I think you just got me to support gay marriage in one sentence." 

Zach: (after tying a piece of string to a pencil and throwing it on my friend) I'm trying to catch a nerd, this is nerd bait.

SMH,  I have nothing to say to any of this other than to laugh.  And I have no  idea where my sons thought process on gay marriage came from since his father isn't in the picture to teach him it's all about babes.   Some things he says I know he gets from T.V., but these statements I can't even say they were from T.V. (unless someone knows a show I don't).   At least the kid is good for a few laughs!  :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

You are my sunshine my only... nope not really

My kid can be so sweet one minute and then the next minute he's just a big meanie.  Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Does he drink some potion in the middle of the conversations we're having and I just don't see it because he's also a ninja? And if he's ninja where did he get that skill from? I need to stop letting him take MMA and Civil Air Patrol.

So the Benefit Betties were on Great Day Houston this morning.  We were in the audience but still.  It just so happened that the only real shot you see me in is at the very end when they are scanning the audience and I am the last person you see. Zach watched the recorded show when he got home from school.

Zach: Wow mom, you're like at the VERY end.  You're the last thing people see.  You are probably the sunshine in their day.

Me: Awww Zach that's so sweet. 

Zach:  Yeah I mean they are probably thinking "If an unpopular person like her can make it on TV so can I" and that always makes peoples day! They will start believing they can do it too.

Me: Really?  you had to go there?

Zach: So when are you going to the big screens?  You've been on the small time screen, now it's time to move up.

I swear... goes from sweet to insulting all in a matter of seconds.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Not a real post... just lots of mushyness maybe... emotions blah!

I have to say that it has been extremely hard for me being laid up in bed with this broken foot.  I haven't wanted to do anything, including posting stuff on my blog.  I have felt left out from all the goings on my friends have been doing and the invites I haven't been getting.  I understand, I'm on crutches and inviting me out means you're sort of obligated to help me do things since crutches = not doing much for  yourself.  And I understand that sometimes I'm not invited out because people think that since I'm on crutches I probably wouldn't want to go (which who knows at the time it may have been true).  It's still nice to be invited though so you know you haven't been forgotten.  :(

Saying that I have to say that I am THANKFUL to be part of an amazing charity group called Benefit Betties.  These ladies are wonderful and I just don't have the words to describe how great they are.  They have been so supportive of me with this broken foot and have made a point to make sure I'm not left out when we are at events helping raise funds for the troops or our furry friends.  They make sure I have somewhere to sit and I'm still included in conversations and the fundraising and everything.

  I know this is just a small thing, but when you can't do anything for yourself (even for a short time) you start to feel like you are useless or worthless.  I personally hate asking people for help and I know my amazing son is tired of helping. I hate not being able to get up and get a drink of water and go back to my seat without someone having to carry the water for me.  The Betties and other people at the events we have been to haven't made me feel like I have been a burden to them at these events.  For that I am truly thankful.  Thankful to have such amazing people in my life and to be a part of a group that is so positive and supportive and do their best to make sure no one feels left out or bad. Joining the Benefit Betties has been one of the best decisions I have made in a while.  I love those ladies (and my kid of course). 

Didn't mean to get all mushy and what not just wanted to voice how thankful I am for the betties.  :)

On a side note, my son downloaded a new game on his phone called hungry shark or something like that. And you get to swim around and eat people!!! How awesome is that?!?!  want to take some anger out? Go be a shark and eat people!  Obviously you can eat fish and stuff too but the people part is more fun.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

HAPPY EASTER!!!! Easter eggs + frogs = SERIOUSLY BOYS?!?!?!?

First off  HAPPY EASTER everyone!!!!!!!  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!  I personally am lying in bed with my foot elevated and taking pain meds.  I didn't think foot surgery would have me down so much.  :(    Oh well I will make the most of it.

I spent last night with my mama E and family.  We decided to do an adult Easter egg hunt (the only child was my 13 year old kid).  So not only did the adults hunt for eggs they hunted for mini liquor bottles as well.  Well I personally couldn't hunt anything since I'm on crutches so I sat in a chair holding the basket for everyone to put their eggs in while drinking a glass of wine.  The "boys" put a few eggs in the basket and asked my friend Jordan and I to empty the eggs out so they can stuff them again with other stuff.  this comment sounded suspicious but since Jordan was "whatever" about it I decided to help her empty the eggs.  I was holding the wine in one hand and I opened an egg in the other hand and there was a fucking frog in it!!!! The boys had emptied the egg and stuffed it with a live frog for me or Jordan to open!!!!  I screamed "oh shit" and dropped the egg.  I was proud of myself for not dropping the egg basket or the glass of wine!  of course the reaction had everyone laughing for a while.  I'm glad I can amuse people!  :)  The frog was really just chill about everything he didn't care who held him or touched him or anything.  He hung out with us for a while.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

frozen wine + unicorn horns + sisters = WTF?!?!?!

My son and I were able to visit my little sister and niece this past week for her 21st birthday!  She's 21 finally!!!! WOOHOO!!! 
We celebrate our Christmas in mid February beginning of March every year.  It just so happens that this year I have a broken foot.   So we had exchanged gifts and drank wine and these are the photos that came from this.  Craziness!!!!   I have never laughed so hard in my life.  There wasn't one dull moment while I was with my sister. 

                                       This is how you defrost frozen wine and ice your broken foot

                                                          My son is a majestic unicorn

                                   Unicorn crossing!!! (probably should not try on heels with a broken foot)

                                                                   More unicorn crossing

                                                         Beautiful Unicorns

                                        Not sure if this is a unicorn or super hero or both!

So, needless to say after this weekend I think my kid needs more therapy! LOL  I'm having foot surgery soon and I jokingly told my son that I am probably going to die on the table because it's such a simple surgery and that's the kind of luck I have.  He responded with "um, no! I keep you alive so that I don't have to live with Aunt Loren.  She's crazy!!! I really really don't want to live with her!"  LOL  I tried to explain to him that she and I are really only crazy when we are together or on the phone with each other.  That when I'm not around she'd be like I am with him on a daily basis.   only a little bit crazy.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

skin suits, the new fashion?? but not really

Oh the conversations I have with people.  I don't even know what starts them half the time! 
The following is the conversation between a friend and myself.

Me: What are you thinking about?

T: you

Me: what about me?

T: Your face.  I want to wear it!

Me: My face?!?! EEEWwwwww you're going to make me into a skin suit?

T: no really I was thinking about your smile and how it was nice to see you again.

Me: Really?  Not about wearing me as a skin suit?

T: Uh yeah I'm a psycho killer thank you. 

Me: Well I'm just saying... you aren't going to see me for a while unless we meet up during the week.  So that could turn you into a psycho killer, it's been known to happen.  I have that effect on people.

Me: Because really I'm bigger and shorter than you so the suit would be baggy and high waters on you and thats just a waste of my skin.

T: you could always hem it.

Me: Um it would be too short on you, why would you hem it and make it shorter?  Unless you want shorts but then that'd just be weird.

T: And wearing a skin suit in general is just fine right?  LOL

Me:  Well as long as it's not my skin you're wearing as a suit then sure a skin suit is fine... maybe go with cow skin or something less psycho so you don't end up in prison.

Me: Unless you can make human skin suits look less like human skin... maybe sew it as the liner of a suit so no one sees it but you.

For some reason the conversation ended there.  I mean I was offering him a way out to wear skin suits the least he could have done was say thank you!  goodness!
P.S. I don't really condone wearing skin as a suit.  Just conversations about wearing skin suits. unless you are wearing a skin suit while having a conversation about wearing skin suits and then I will have to boycott being your friend.  It's just gross... and at some point would probably be smelly.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

braces, vaginas...this shit goes together I just don't know how

I have had a horrible day.  Not only was it stressful with work (just a bunch of changes that seem unorganized) I come home from work to find I received mail that had my first name and my ex's last name which felt like a slap in the face considering we broke up before we ever got to the engagement part.   Then on top of that I got a text from a family member that wasn't exactly a nice text.  Anyway because it was such an upsetting day I called my little sister for her to cheer me up.  She just got braces today so obviously her day was worse than mine! I will say it again (it's like a broken record here) I LOVE my little sister!  She makes me laugh everytime. 

Somehow we went from talking about her new braces, she got pink and orange colored bands, to talking about vaginas.  Somehow this shit goes together we just haven't figured out how. First I have to say the conversation started out with how much my niece wanted to wear the "bracelets" that Loren had on her teeth.  She wouldn't believe they were called braces, they are called bracelets.
Then somehow we went from that to how the lady doing my sisters braces was useless... to discussing our annual ob/gyn appointments.  We both have decided that we do not like female ob/gyn's because we feel like they compare our vagina's to everyone elses.  Because women are caddy people!  wouldn't you compare your vagina to someone elses?  and now I'm curious about how my vagina compares to other women's vagina's!!! ugh!!!  This is not something I should be curious about.  I should be wondering what it's like to be a shark swimmign around scaring people!

Needless to say my sister and I could not figure out how we went from braces to vaginas but we know this shit goes together!!!  Plus I spent an hour laughing at saying vagina numerous times in the conversation.  Vagina is just a weird fun word  to say.... it really should be used randomly in sentences. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

Dead birds make great lullabys

I should start out by saying I LOVE my little sister and her twisted mind.  :)  She only gets it from me... haha
So I have a hard time sleeping but I work a normal job.  So when my sister and I were texting last night at like midnightish I was finally like "look I need to attempt sleep since I have to be up early!" a
This was her response:
"Let me sing you to sleep...
Hush little lela don't say a word baby sister won't buy you a bird
She will jsut run one over in your car and bring it to you
Hush little Lela don't say a word
I'll make sure it's not a dead bid
Hush little Lela don't say a word
I'll kill a bitch with one single word
La la la la la la la la la la la lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Now shut up and go to sleep"

I'm not sure if it helped me go to sleep or if it caused nightmares.  I should probably state the one time I let her drive my car she hit a bird...  there were feathers in the grill until I made her wash it. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

new year, sharks, broken foot, fun times!

It's been too long since I've posted last and I apologize for that.  We were busy with Christmas and then my OLDER sister was in town and then our New Years Eve Party, then I got sick, and then I broke my foot.  I do not recommend breaking your foot.  It's never very fun!  I'm hoping I will be in this air cast for only another 4 weeks!
I hope everyone else is having an awesome new year.  I know a few of my friends have received exciting news this month!  :) 

So for a bit of humor here is a conversation between my dad and my little sister:

Loren: Daddy-O, if a woman goes swimming in the ocean while on her period will a shark eat her?

Daddy-O: Is this a trick question?

Loren: No, I'm serious!!! I need to know these kind of things!

Daddy-O: I think you worry too much about the little things.

Loren: You call being eaten by alive by a shark little? (Even though I live no where near an ocean. HAHAHA)

Daddy-O: Plastic bathtub sharks don't count.

Loren: We should buy a shark and keep it in your bathtub and test out this question.  But first we need to find a woman to sacrifice...

Daddy-O: What? You're not willing to take one for the team?

Loren: NO!!! You love me too much to sacrifice me.

Daddy-O: Oh yeah I forgot.

Loren: :) Without me in your life would be like mashed potatoes without ketchup!!!!! 

Oh the conversations my family and I have.  :)  Always entertaining!!!  Hope it made you laugh!!  I will try to be more diligent about posting on here, at least once a week!