Friday, December 14, 2012

"the talk" got to love my sister WARNING: contains explicit info may not be suitable for children

I absolutely adore my little sister Loren.  Well I adore all my little sisters but Loren and I have the best conversations when we are bored or even when we aren't bored.  They definitely keep us laughing the whole time. So since this talk had me laughing so hard (and still does) I thought I'd share with everyone else.  :)

Not too long ago she was telling me that she wasn't feeling well and having a hard time keeping food down and what not so I asked her if she was pregnant. This then resulted in her giving me "the talk."

Me: Are you pregnant?!?

Loren: Nope! That's gross... Sex is gross.  Haha jk I'm a sex addict but no I am not.

Me: I don't know what sex is. haha

Loren: It's when a mommy and a daddy love each other so much that the daddy decides to abuse mommy with his magical stick.  Mommy likes daddy's magical stick.  Sometimes mommy can't control her magical muffin so sometimes mammas magical muffin attacks daddy's magical stick.  If daddy's magical stick sneezes on mommas muffin there is a chance that 9 months later for the stupid crack head stork to drop off a baby.  That's how it works.

I loved this version of "the talk" so much that I gave it to my 13 year old not too long ago.  (He is fully aware of how sex really works and how crazy his Aunt Loren is especially when you put me and her in the same room).   His only response was to shake his head and tell me "I think I'm traumatized for life and may need counseling soon.  Please do not give that talk to me again."  LOL  Now I threaten to give him the talk all the time. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Duct tape, rope, handcuffs = a little fun

I have some of the best friends.  I guess because of the holidays I'm thinking of my ex more and more and it's depressing.  So today my friend Heather tried to cheer me up after I told her I couldn't stop thinking about him and I wanted to know how to get him off my mind.

Heather: I don't know.  You can say what men say "the best way to get over one is to get under another!"

Me: Hmmm... I think I've tried that, it doesn't work! LOL

Heather: Then you haven't gotten under the right one yet! ;)  You could try Channing Tatum!! He'll make you forget anyone!!

Me: LMAO and how am I supposed to get under him?

Heather: I don't know.  We could kidnap him.  I'm headed to the store now. Duct tape, tie ropes, and what am I forgetting?  P.S. if we do this you know you owe me BIG time.  Like help me hide a certain persons body big time!   In for a dime, in for a dollar right?

Me:  Hmm...  I'm not up to date on my kidnapping skills.  And I would help you hide a body without you helping me kidnap a star.   Oh we need handcuffs!

Heather: I'm on it! 

While I'm not the type to just be "under" another guy the conversation definitely had me laughing and cheered me up a little.  I don't know what I'd do without my friends.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The thoughts kids have...

I absolutely LOVE going on road trips with my son.  They are always full of laughter.  I don't think he and I have gone on a trip where we haven't had a crazy unusual conversation.

I think my favorite, so far, was on one of our trips to the Dallas, TX area.  We didn't get a chance to leave for Dallas until after I got off work around 5pm, so we ended up hitting traffic and all that fun stuff.  So of course as we get closer to Dallas Zach falls asleep.  Well I do what I always do when he falls asleep (although I do this when he's awake too) I sang like a rock star at the top of my lungs to the songs on the radio.  Hey a girl has to entertain herself somehow.
Anyway, the kid sits up unexpectedly (again he was sleeping) and asks in a panicked tone "how do people in straight jackets pee?!?!?!?!"  Um What the heck were you dreaming about kiddo?!?!?  Seriously, you wake up all panicked needing to know how people wearing straight jackets pee?  Only my kid! I told him they just pee in their pants but he didn't like that answer.  So if any one has any other answers to that feel free to let me know.  :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Oh Bloody Lela!!

So I was having a particularly bad day one day so I texted Kim.  I'm sure not everyone will find this entertaining, but we were laughing the whole time and it definitely made me feel better.  This was our conversation:

Me: I feel a spree coming on.  It's either a shopping one or a killing one, it's too early to tell.

Kim: Well I'll keep an eye on the news in case it's a killing spree.

Me: Yeah but don't tell on me!!! I mean sometimes I shouldn't be held responsible for going crazy.

Kim: I won't snitch ubt I'll get to follow your progress.

Me: True.  See what kind of mistakes I make so you have a better chance of getting off when you go on a killing spree.

Kim: Yeah it's research.  :)

Me: Well I'm totally okay with that.  If my mistakes help make things easier for you I'm all for it.

Kim: Sounds good to me, but don't get caught too quickly.  I'd like to watch for a while.  Entertainment is hard to come by.

Me: I have on real plans of being caught.  But I'll try to make it at least an hour long show for you.

Kim:  Thats good.  I'll record it so I can watch it over and over.

Me: I'll come up with some sort of gang sign or facial expression so when you see me you know I'm talking to you, but everyone else will just think I'm crazy.  It'll mean something like "this ones for you kid."

Kim:  LOL can't wait to see it!

Me: I'll come up with something good.  Maybe I'll dress like Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde. All old school bank robber/mob member.

Kim:  That's a great idea and you can buy a tommy gun.

Me: Yes!!! Then the government will be like "what were we  thinking giving her a concealed handgun license???"

Kim: Yeah, that would show them!

Me: They are probably going to regret that one day.

Kim: Yeah and then they'll talk about it on the news for two months until we're like enough already!

Me: So I'll be Famous!!!

Kim: Yep, everyone will know your name forever.

Me: I'm pretty sure they already do.

Kim: Not the entire country.  And you'll be on national news.  Not to mention there will probably be an urban legend about you for years.  People saying "don't do that or crazy Lela will come get you!"

Me: Oooh now that sounds promising.  Although I think I've heard something along those lines alread.

Kim: But this time it'll be nationwide!

Me: hmmm.. this is an intriguing idea.

Kim: You'd be like the donky lady.

Me: I don't want to be thought of as the donky lady.

Kim: You wouldn't actually be the donky lady, just famous. There are donky lady legends everywhere.

Me: Hmmm... well maybe I'lld be known as a modern day Bonnie...  or bloody Mary.

Kim: Ahhh Bloody Lela sounds right.

Me:  Yep, it fits.  PLus it sounds like you're mad and British.  Instead of Bloody Hell you would be all "Bloody LELA!!!"

Kim: Yeah... I like it.  I'll say it when I stub my toe or something.  But don't say it in the dark in front of a mirror.

Me: yeah definitle not!  I might come haunt you or kill you.  You never know.

Kim: Absolutely.  You know I don't think you'd kill me if I called you in the mirror.  We'd probably just hang out and watch clueless. 

Me:  That's true.  I couldn't kill you.  I mean you helped me with all this!! I'd probably just scare you and then be like lets drink big red and watch a movie.

Kim: Yeah then you wouldn't have to drive here. I could just call you in the mirror whenever I got bored.

Me: that'd be fun! we need to figure out how to make that happen.

Kim: Totally.  I'd call you at weird hours and you'll be sleeping and suddenly be here and I'll be like hey get up and watch movies with me.

Me: Then I'd be all I'm tired but okay where's the big red and the popcorn?  But then I'd hear my name being called by teenagers and I'd be like "BLOODY LELA, can't anyone watch a movie in peace? Hit pause, and call me back here in 5 minutes I gotta go scare these dumbasses."

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Ooops! My bad!

So the other day we went to dinner with a friend and Zach decided to go play on the machines that you can win stuffed animals from. On this particular machine it's easy to win them on.  So Zach brough back two stuffed animals to the table.  He told me the tags stated "do not remove."  So of course I proceded to rip one of them off and as I did it tore the seam. 

My friend then said "you just ripped him a new ass hole!" Then Zach was like "I think he might poop on you now when you are sleeping!" So I went out for a little bit last night and this is what I came home to:
The note says "OOPS my bad! P.S. I feel empty now"

Thursday, November 8, 2012


So you can't have a blog without groupies!!!  I emailed my childhood friend BFF Kim and told her I started a blog and she MUST become my follower, aka groupie.  Here is how this conversation went:

Me: So I've started a blog to share all my crazy conversations!!! You shall be showcased on tehre considering a lot of the conversations are with you.  So you will have to become a regular blog follower.  I need a followerer, like a groupie for my blog.

Kim: You want me to be your groupie? Does that mean I have to follow you around?

Me: Yes I want you to be my groupie.  While actually following me around would be entertaining for both of us, I'm thinking this is not a requirement for being a blog groupie.

Kim: Well I suppose I can then.  I jsut have to read them?  I don't have to like scream and faint if you walk by do I?

Me: Nah, no need to scream and faint.  People might start thinking you are scared of me.

Kim: That's true. I suppose I can do that.  Although it does feel weird to be your groupie. '

Me: would it help if you just called yourself a fan?

Kim: Yeah groupie sounds like I'm some screaming fan who's obsessed with you and wants to follow you all over the country and like marry you or something.

Me:  You know you're obsessed with me and do want to marry me.

Kim:  Don't say stuff like that.  Adam (husband) will get jealous.  He can never know!

Me:I promise to never tell him

Kim: Good unless we do get married and then I suppose he'd have to know.

me:  Well we could just go to Vegas and do a commitment ceremony and then he'd never have to know.  It'd be like you're married to both of us!

Me: BUt I'm not marrying him too, to make it a triangle of love.  That'd just be too weird.

Kim:  Oh yeah and me being married to both of you is soooo much less weird?

Me:  It is, because we'd just be committed to each other not actually married.

Kim: Oh good, I wouldn't want to go to jail or anything for being a bigamist.

And this is why she and I have been friends since we were like 11 years old!!!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Hang Man... or not?

So my dad goes up to Zach and I just happen to be standing there.  Dad has a piece of paper and a pencil and he starts to draw a line on it and was about to ask Zach a question.  First thing out of my mouth was "A, I pick the letter A!!!"  Dad just looks at me like I'm crazy, I respond with "what, we are playing hangman right?"

Dad: No this is a tree. 

Zach: well it doesn't look much like a tree, more like a stick

Me: okay, I choose G then

Zach: Mom, it's a tree, papa already told you that so you need to pick a T

Me: well trees are green, unless it's fall like now and they are losing their leaves then they are
brown... or the tree stump is brown. Crap now I don't know what color to choose my letters with.

Dad: Zach, if you want to cut down a tree how would you do it?

Me: call someone to come out and take care of it

Zach: what mom said.

Dad: *shakes his head* okay really if you had to cut it down yourself how would you do it?

Me: with a chain saw... those are fun!

Dad: You are not allowed near the tools.  Zach you have to use the hand saw.

Zach: Well I would put a nook in the tree then I would go back and forth with the saw until it cut the

Dad: Okay what happens when you get about 3/4th of the way through the trunk then what?

Me: I push it over and yell TIMBER!!!! 

Zach: I go around to the other side and cut some more so it doesn't fall that way?

Dad: No, you need to...

Me: You need to bring people outside to watch it so that the tree actually makes a sound when it falls!

Zach: I'd have them watch so they can see how strong I am when I push it over

Dad: Why do I even bother with you guys?

First post!

So the kiddo, we'll call him Zach, and I have many crazy conversations.  We were going to write a book about all the unusual conversations we have with each other and with our friends, but unfortunately we keep forgetting to write down some of the conversations so the book hasn't gotten very far.  Since we were going to title it "Put That in Your Juice Box and Suck It" I figured why not start a blog entitled this?  So be prepared for some unusual conversations to be posted.  While I know that not everyone will agree that these are appropriate conversations, please keep those negative opinions to yourself!  My son and I along with our friends have an awesome relationship and these conversations are always in jest.  :)