Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Things you don't expect people to say, unless you happen to know my family... then you're lucky

My sister was here for most of the month of July and then my birthday happened (yep I'm officially not telling my age!!) and now I'm finding time to update the blog.  :)

Of course as you've seen from previous posts when my sister and I are together crazy things happen.  When she comes down to Houston we do even more crazy things just to mess with our dad.  I will have more posts later on the things we did to dad to drive him crazy, but here are some of the things we said that most people probably never expect to hear but are actually kind of normal in our house.

"DAD!!! Loren won't stop humping me!!!"

"My sister keeps poking me in the boobs with drum sticks" disclaimer: they were the rock band drumsticks not chicken drumsticks although I would not put it past her to poke me in the boobs with chicken drumsticks as well.

"We're busy duct taping a blow up doll to the ceiling so I'll have to call you back."

"Duct taping a blow up doll to the ceiling is constructive work"

"Tell the dog to stop attacking the blow up doll, she'll put a hole in her!!!"

"Do you want me to hump your leg so you'll smile?"

"I'm going to lick your face!!!!"

These are just a few of the crazy things said over the few weeks she was here.  There were more things said I just don't always remember everything.  I really need to start writing these things down. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

I'm in awe of my child... or he's in awe of me... I can't decide which it should be

I probably should start keeping this updated more often.  Maybe I need to keep a notebook with me from now on and not just put notes in my phone because then I forget I have notes in my phone and i don't think about it until like months later and then I realize it's too late to do anything with some of those notes.  I'm also pretty sure that sentence is a long run on sentence.  ooops.

I was walking downstairs earlier today and I was looking at the kid on my way.

He said "why are you looking at me suspiciously?  It's making me suspiscious."

me:  I always look at you suspiciously.  Is there any other way to look at you?

the kid: in awe... you can look at me in awe like everyone else.

me: I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to be looking up to me in awe since I'm your mom.

I get downstairs and scream because a spider decided to run accross my foot.  So I make the kid come down and kill it (because we all know if I try to kill it then the house will likely be on fire).

the kid: Is this that moment when I'm supposed to look at you with awe?

I didn't really respond to him on that question, I just told him not to use my shoe to kill the spider because I didn't want spider guts on the bottom of them.   I then walked away.  How else do you respond to that smart ass?  :)

Friday, May 10, 2013

The things you learn from your kids... and then turn them into dirty conversations with friends

On one of the many road trips the kid and I have taken he just randomly throws out there "Fleas have two pee pees."  Intersting, I never knew this.  so of course because now that I DO know this information I had to share it with my friend. We only ran off with this conversation into a little bit of dirtyness, but honestly who wouldn't?

Me: Fleas have two pee pees.

Kim: Do they?

Me: Yep, that's a fact I have learned.

Kim: Why do you think they need two?

Me: Maybe so they can have threesomes?  (really if it's two pee pees would it work that way? hmmm)

Kim: Hmm... I don't see any other reason.  You could probably pee a lot faster too.  They don't have to spend as much time emptying their bladdes.

Me:  Maybe so they can empty their bladders and have sex at the same time?

Kim:  Eww! that would be so gross!

Me: SQL!!! I know!!!  I'm glad guys don't have two penis's!!!

Kim: Me too!! that would be really weird.  where would they put the second one?  Maybe their belly

Me:  That would be awkward.  OMG, could both get off?

Kim: They'd need an extra set of balls.

Me: unless both are somehow connected to the same balls

Kim:  They'd at least need some rewiring.  Maybe it would be like those two headed snakes or something

Me: Maybe.  Then they would have a mind of their own.  it could work out for us women.  If one finishes before we do there is always a back up one.

Kim: HAHAHA yeah tht sounds like it could work out.  If we could stop laughing at it long enough to do anything.

Me: Right?!?! or being grossed out by it rubbing on our stomachs during sex...

P.S. SQL stands for snickering quite loudly this shal catch on!
P.P.S I'm aware that I'm the one that turned it into something dirty...  I may have a problem...  or not.  :)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Slim Shady, supports gays, and fishes for nerds... the actions of teens

My son is definitely the class clown.  The stuff he says in class I just have no idea how to respond to it.  As long as I don't get a call from the school I guess we are good. 

This week Zach has come home and done/said the following:

Zach: Mom, I was standing up in class and my teacher asked why I was standing up, I responded with "I'm the real Slim Shady.   But really I just had to get a dictionary."   

Zach:  Mom, I was talking with Jordan about how I don't understand why people are making such a big deal about guys marrying guys. Jordan was like "you mean you support gay marriage?!" and I told him "well think about it, if guys are marrying guys, then that means there are a lot more babes for us!"  Then Jordan told me "Zach, I think you just got me to support gay marriage in one sentence." 

Zach: (after tying a piece of string to a pencil and throwing it on my friend) I'm trying to catch a nerd, this is nerd bait.

SMH,  I have nothing to say to any of this other than to laugh.  And I have no  idea where my sons thought process on gay marriage came from since his father isn't in the picture to teach him it's all about babes.   Some things he says I know he gets from T.V., but these statements I can't even say they were from T.V. (unless someone knows a show I don't).   At least the kid is good for a few laughs!  :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

You are my sunshine my only... nope not really

My kid can be so sweet one minute and then the next minute he's just a big meanie.  Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Does he drink some potion in the middle of the conversations we're having and I just don't see it because he's also a ninja? And if he's ninja where did he get that skill from? I need to stop letting him take MMA and Civil Air Patrol.

So the Benefit Betties were on Great Day Houston this morning.  We were in the audience but still.  It just so happened that the only real shot you see me in is at the very end when they are scanning the audience and I am the last person you see. Zach watched the recorded show when he got home from school.

Zach: Wow mom, you're like at the VERY end.  You're the last thing people see.  You are probably the sunshine in their day.

Me: Awww Zach that's so sweet. 

Zach:  Yeah I mean they are probably thinking "If an unpopular person like her can make it on TV so can I" and that always makes peoples day! They will start believing they can do it too.

Me: Really?  you had to go there?

Zach: So when are you going to the big screens?  You've been on the small time screen, now it's time to move up.

I swear... goes from sweet to insulting all in a matter of seconds.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Not a real post... just lots of mushyness maybe... emotions blah!

I have to say that it has been extremely hard for me being laid up in bed with this broken foot.  I haven't wanted to do anything, including posting stuff on my blog.  I have felt left out from all the goings on my friends have been doing and the invites I haven't been getting.  I understand, I'm on crutches and inviting me out means you're sort of obligated to help me do things since crutches = not doing much for  yourself.  And I understand that sometimes I'm not invited out because people think that since I'm on crutches I probably wouldn't want to go (which who knows at the time it may have been true).  It's still nice to be invited though so you know you haven't been forgotten.  :(

Saying that I have to say that I am THANKFUL to be part of an amazing charity group called Benefit Betties.  These ladies are wonderful and I just don't have the words to describe how great they are.  They have been so supportive of me with this broken foot and have made a point to make sure I'm not left out when we are at events helping raise funds for the troops or our furry friends.  They make sure I have somewhere to sit and I'm still included in conversations and the fundraising and everything.

  I know this is just a small thing, but when you can't do anything for yourself (even for a short time) you start to feel like you are useless or worthless.  I personally hate asking people for help and I know my amazing son is tired of helping. I hate not being able to get up and get a drink of water and go back to my seat without someone having to carry the water for me.  The Betties and other people at the events we have been to haven't made me feel like I have been a burden to them at these events.  For that I am truly thankful.  Thankful to have such amazing people in my life and to be a part of a group that is so positive and supportive and do their best to make sure no one feels left out or bad. Joining the Benefit Betties has been one of the best decisions I have made in a while.  I love those ladies (and my kid of course). 

Didn't mean to get all mushy and what not just wanted to voice how thankful I am for the betties.  :)

On a side note, my son downloaded a new game on his phone called hungry shark or something like that. And you get to swim around and eat people!!! How awesome is that?!?!  want to take some anger out? Go be a shark and eat people!  Obviously you can eat fish and stuff too but the people part is more fun.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

HAPPY EASTER!!!! Easter eggs + frogs = SERIOUSLY BOYS?!?!?!?

First off  HAPPY EASTER everyone!!!!!!!  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!  I personally am lying in bed with my foot elevated and taking pain meds.  I didn't think foot surgery would have me down so much.  :(    Oh well I will make the most of it.

I spent last night with my mama E and family.  We decided to do an adult Easter egg hunt (the only child was my 13 year old kid).  So not only did the adults hunt for eggs they hunted for mini liquor bottles as well.  Well I personally couldn't hunt anything since I'm on crutches so I sat in a chair holding the basket for everyone to put their eggs in while drinking a glass of wine.  The "boys" put a few eggs in the basket and asked my friend Jordan and I to empty the eggs out so they can stuff them again with other stuff.  this comment sounded suspicious but since Jordan was "whatever" about it I decided to help her empty the eggs.  I was holding the wine in one hand and I opened an egg in the other hand and there was a fucking frog in it!!!! The boys had emptied the egg and stuffed it with a live frog for me or Jordan to open!!!!  I screamed "oh shit" and dropped the egg.  I was proud of myself for not dropping the egg basket or the glass of wine!  of course the reaction had everyone laughing for a while.  I'm glad I can amuse people!  :)  The frog was really just chill about everything he didn't care who held him or touched him or anything.  He hung out with us for a while.