braces, vaginas...this shit goes together I just don't know how

I have had a horrible day.  Not only was it stressful with work (just a bunch of changes that seem unorganized) I come home from work to find I received mail that had my first name and my ex's last name which felt like a slap in the face considering we broke up before we ever got to the engagement part.   Then on top of that I got a text from a family member that wasn't exactly a nice text.  Anyway because it was such an upsetting day I called my little sister for her to cheer me up.  She just got braces today so obviously her day was worse than mine! I will say it again (it's like a broken record here) I LOVE my little sister!  She makes me laugh everytime. 

Somehow we went from talking about her new braces, she got pink and orange colored bands, to talking about vaginas.  Somehow this shit goes together we just haven't figured out how. First I have to say the conversation started out with how much my niece wanted to wear the "bracelets" that Loren had on her teeth.  She wouldn't believe they were called braces, they are called bracelets.
Then somehow we went from that to how the lady doing my sisters braces was useless... to discussing our annual ob/gyn appointments.  We both have decided that we do not like female ob/gyn's because we feel like they compare our vagina's to everyone elses.  Because women are caddy people!  wouldn't you compare your vagina to someone elses?  and now I'm curious about how my vagina compares to other women's vagina's!!! ugh!!!  This is not something I should be curious about.  I should be wondering what it's like to be a shark swimmign around scaring people!

Needless to say my sister and I could not figure out how we went from braces to vaginas but we know this shit goes together!!!  Plus I spent an hour laughing at saying vagina numerous times in the conversation.  Vagina is just a weird fun word  to say.... it really should be used randomly in sentences. 

Dead birds make great lullabys

I should start out by saying I LOVE my little sister and her twisted mind.  :)  She only gets it from me... haha
So I have a hard time sleeping but I work a normal job.  So when my sister and I were texting last night at like midnightish I was finally like "look I need to attempt sleep since I have to be up early!" a
This was her response:
"Let me sing you to sleep...
Hush little lela don't say a word baby sister won't buy you a bird
She will jsut run one over in your car and bring it to you
Hush little Lela don't say a word
I'll make sure it's not a dead bid
Hush little Lela don't say a word
I'll kill a bitch with one single word
La la la la la la la la la la la lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Now shut up and go to sleep"

I'm not sure if it helped me go to sleep or if it caused nightmares.  I should probably state the one time I let her drive my car she hit a bird...  there were feathers in the grill until I made her wash it. 

new year, sharks, broken foot, fun times!

It's been too long since I've posted last and I apologize for that.  We were busy with Christmas and then my OLDER sister was in town and then our New Years Eve Party, then I got sick, and then I broke my foot.  I do not recommend breaking your foot.  It's never very fun!  I'm hoping I will be in this air cast for only another 4 weeks!
I hope everyone else is having an awesome new year.  I know a few of my friends have received exciting news this month!  :) 

So for a bit of humor here is a conversation between my dad and my little sister:

Loren: Daddy-O, if a woman goes swimming in the ocean while on her period will a shark eat her?

Daddy-O: Is this a trick question?

Loren: No, I'm serious!!! I need to know these kind of things!

Daddy-O: I think you worry too much about the little things.

Loren: You call being eaten by alive by a shark little? (Even though I live no where near an ocean. HAHAHA)

Daddy-O: Plastic bathtub sharks don't count.

Loren: We should buy a shark and keep it in your bathtub and test out this question.  But first we need to find a woman to sacrifice...

Daddy-O: What? You're not willing to take one for the team?

Loren: NO!!! You love me too much to sacrifice me.

Daddy-O: Oh yeah I forgot.

Loren: :) Without me in your life would be like mashed potatoes without ketchup!!!!! 


Oh the conversations my family and I have.  :)  Always entertaining!!!  Hope it made you laugh!!  I will try to be more diligent about posting on here, at least once a week! 

"the talk" got to love my sister WARNING: contains explicit info may not be suitable for children

I absolutely adore my little sister Loren.  Well I adore all my little sisters but Loren and I have the best conversations when we are bored or even when we aren't bored.  They definitely keep us laughing the whole time. So since this talk had me laughing so hard (and still does) I thought I'd share with everyone else.  :)

Not too long ago she was telling me that she wasn't feeling well and having a hard time keeping food down and what not so I asked her if she was pregnant. This then resulted in her giving me "the talk."

Me: Are you pregnant?!?

Loren: Nope! That's gross... Sex is gross.  Haha jk I'm a sex addict but no I am not.

Me: I don't know what sex is. haha

Loren: It's when a mommy and a daddy love each other so much that the daddy decides to abuse mommy with his magical stick.  Mommy likes daddy's magical stick.  Sometimes mommy can't control her magical muffin so sometimes mammas magical muffin attacks daddy's magical stick.  If daddy's magical stick sneezes on mommas muffin there is a chance that 9 months later for the stupid crack head stork to drop off a baby.  That's how it works.

I loved this version of "the talk" so much that I gave it to my 13 year old not too long ago.  (He is fully aware of how sex really works and how crazy his Aunt Loren is especially when you put me and her in the same room).   His only response was to shake his head and tell me "I think I'm traumatized for life and may need counseling soon.  Please do not give that talk to me again."  LOL  Now I threaten to give him the talk all the time. 

Duct tape, rope, handcuffs = a little fun

I have some of the best friends.  I guess because of the holidays I'm thinking of my ex more and more and it's depressing.  So today my friend Heather tried to cheer me up after I told her I couldn't stop thinking about him and I wanted to know how to get him off my mind.

Heather: I don't know.  You can say what men say "the best way to get over one is to get under another!"

Me: Hmmm... I think I've tried that, it doesn't work! LOL

Heather: Then you haven't gotten under the right one yet! ;)  You could try Channing Tatum!! He'll make you forget anyone!!

Me: LMAO and how am I supposed to get under him?

Heather: I don't know.  We could kidnap him.  I'm headed to the store now. Duct tape, tie ropes, and what am I forgetting?  P.S. if we do this you know you owe me BIG time.  Like help me hide a certain persons body big time!   In for a dime, in for a dollar right?

Me:  Hmm...  I'm not up to date on my kidnapping skills.  And I would help you hide a body without you helping me kidnap a star.   Oh we need handcuffs!

Heather: I'm on it! 

While I'm not the type to just be "under" another guy the conversation definitely had me laughing and cheered me up a little.  I don't know what I'd do without my friends.

The thoughts kids have...

I absolutely LOVE going on road trips with my son.  They are always full of laughter.  I don't think he and I have gone on a trip where we haven't had a crazy unusual conversation.

I think my favorite, so far, was on one of our trips to the Dallas, TX area.  We didn't get a chance to leave for Dallas until after I got off work around 5pm, so we ended up hitting traffic and all that fun stuff.  So of course as we get closer to Dallas Zach falls asleep.  Well I do what I always do when he falls asleep (although I do this when he's awake too) I sang like a rock star at the top of my lungs to the songs on the radio.  Hey a girl has to entertain herself somehow.
Anyway, the kid sits up unexpectedly (again he was sleeping) and asks in a panicked tone "how do people in straight jackets pee?!?!?!?!"  Um What the heck were you dreaming about kiddo?!?!?  Seriously, you wake up all panicked needing to know how people wearing straight jackets pee?  Only my kid! I told him they just pee in their pants but he didn't like that answer.  So if any one has any other answers to that feel free to let me know.  :)

Oh Bloody Lela!!

So I was having a particularly bad day one day so I texted Kim.  I'm sure not everyone will find this entertaining, but we were laughing the whole time and it definitely made me feel better.  This was our conversation:

Me: I feel a spree coming on.  It's either a shopping one or a killing one, it's too early to tell.

Kim: Well I'll keep an eye on the news in case it's a killing spree.

Me: Yeah but don't tell on me!!! I mean sometimes I shouldn't be held responsible for going crazy.

Kim: I won't snitch ubt I'll get to follow your progress.

Me: True.  See what kind of mistakes I make so you have a better chance of getting off when you go on a killing spree.

Kim: Yeah it's research.  :)

Me: Well I'm totally okay with that.  If my mistakes help make things easier for you I'm all for it.

Kim: Sounds good to me, but don't get caught too quickly.  I'd like to watch for a while.  Entertainment is hard to come by.

Me: I have on real plans of being caught.  But I'll try to make it at least an hour long show for you.

Kim:  Thats good.  I'll record it so I can watch it over and over.

Me: I'll come up with some sort of gang sign or facial expression so when you see me you know I'm talking to you, but everyone else will just think I'm crazy.  It'll mean something like "this ones for you kid."

Kim:  LOL can't wait to see it!

Me: I'll come up with something good.  Maybe I'll dress like Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde. All old school bank robber/mob member.

Kim:  That's a great idea and you can buy a tommy gun.

Me: Yes!!! Then the government will be like "what were we  thinking giving her a concealed handgun license???"

Kim: Yeah, that would show them!

Me: They are probably going to regret that one day.

Kim: Yeah and then they'll talk about it on the news for two months until we're like enough already!

Me: So I'll be Famous!!!

Kim: Yep, everyone will know your name forever.

Me: I'm pretty sure they already do.

Kim: Not the entire country.  And you'll be on national news.  Not to mention there will probably be an urban legend about you for years.  People saying "don't do that or crazy Lela will come get you!"

Me: Oooh now that sounds promising.  Although I think I've heard something along those lines alread.

Kim: But this time it'll be nationwide!

Me: hmmm.. this is an intriguing idea.

Kim: You'd be like the donky lady.

Me: I don't want to be thought of as the donky lady.

Kim: You wouldn't actually be the donky lady, just famous. There are donky lady legends everywhere.

Me: Hmmm... well maybe I'lld be known as a modern day Bonnie...  or bloody Mary.

Kim: Ahhh Bloody Lela sounds right.

Me:  Yep, it fits.  PLus it sounds like you're mad and British.  Instead of Bloody Hell you would be all "Bloody LELA!!!"

Kim: Yeah... I like it.  I'll say it when I stub my toe or something.  But don't say it in the dark in front of a mirror.

Me: yeah definitle not!  I might come haunt you or kill you.  You never know.

Kim: Absolutely.  You know I don't think you'd kill me if I called you in the mirror.  We'd probably just hang out and watch clueless. 

Me:  That's true.  I couldn't kill you.  I mean you helped me with all this!! I'd probably just scare you and then be like lets drink big red and watch a movie.

Kim: Yeah then you wouldn't have to drive here. I could just call you in the mirror whenever I got bored.

Me: that'd be fun! we need to figure out how to make that happen.

Kim: Totally.  I'd call you at weird hours and you'll be sleeping and suddenly be here and I'll be like hey get up and watch movies with me.

Me: Then I'd be all I'm tired but okay where's the big red and the popcorn?  But then I'd hear my name being called by teenagers and I'd be like "BLOODY LELA, can't anyone watch a movie in peace? Hit pause, and call me back here in 5 minutes I gotta go scare these dumbasses."